As published by mX, 1 August 2014
Here’s a fearless fashion prediction for you.
Mullets will be back in business by Christmas.
Hear me out, this will happen, or at least I’m willing it to happen!
Sure, beards and mo’s were a lark, worn ironically with a nostalgic nod to simpler times when bushrangers and Dennis Lillee reigned supreme. But as a recent study by Dr Rob Brooks contends, we’ve hit ‘peak beard’ (when facial hair becomes the norm rather than rare, thus no longer cool or desirable). Notwithstanding, it baffles how any female tolerates kissing a schnauzer. And to be frank, hipsters shit me*.
My theory is the tide going out on soup strainers and snot mops demands another male grooming gimmick take their place. The past informs the future and since ranga Bowie pioneered an early 1970’s incarnation, followed by the mid 1980’s – early 1990’s free-for-all, the fashion cycle points to an overdue mullet renaissance.
Thinking back to their last demise, I blame Billy Ray Cyrus. Achy Breaky Heart was the wrecking ball, when ‘peak mullet’ was attained and no longer could they be equated with goodness. Cyrus has a lot to answer for – putting it in a pony tail, inflicting that putrid earworm, conceiving that daughter. Bastard!
I must confess to mullet bias, having sported one myself back in the day, when INXS and AFL legend Peter Daicos were at the height of their powers. Then you had the awesomeness of Farnsey, Bon Jovi, Swayze, MacGyver, Bono, Warwick Capper, Limahl, Juno Roxus… OK, I’m reaching, but the less flamboyant garden variety ‘mudflap’ was so de rigueur as to nary warrant a second glance.
Business at the front, party at the back guys… What’s not to like?
Yes, the worst specimens (common to America’s Deep South) are worthy of ridicule and bogan stereotyping, but at least they’re not so in-your-face as ugly face fuzz. I say the hairstyle has a rock star quality. Beards and ‘taches simply do not (Mumford & Sons, pls). They just make a guy look 10 years older. Who wants that?
AFL fans, at least, want more Ivan Marics. Instructively, arriving via Adelaide and from eastern European stock, the Tiger ruckman is naturally inclined to allow his locks to flow unfettered by the naysayers.
What’s more, for too long filthy wealthy Donald Trump types have been getting away with a finely quaffed derivative. Mullets should be reclaimed and worn proudly by the common people.
Move on dufus; Maric: ahead of the game; Bad mullet, bad man
* OK, I respect hipsters’ enviro, veggo, socio enlightened ways, but what’s with the ridiculous uniform?